There’s conflict in our homes, our schools, and in our workplaces. America is under an outrageous amount of stress since the COVID-19 pandemic caused upwards of 1.46 million deaths in the U.S. alone, many of whom were our family and friends. Natural disasters are off the charts and school shootings are the norm. What’s worse is that in terms of finding a solution, we couldn’t be farther apart politically. The amount of mental, financial, and emotional toll we are experiencing is unprecedented. Then, we go back to work.  

Are we really shocked by the high level of incivility? The definition of being under high amounts of stress for a long period of time, resulting in uncontrollable anger outbursts and levels of irritation, is what PTSD is all about. And, based on the symptoms of incivility, could be the underlying current in most workplaces across the country.

In times of high stress, relationships suffer, communication is strained, and things get uncivil. The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) reports more than 80% of Americans reported work-related stress on top of what we are dealing with at home. Feeling uneasy leads to heightened reactivity, hasty judgments, and frequent anger. High levels of stress and trauma are linked to HR burnout, workforce civility issues, and employee disengagement, all of which are increasing.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines civility as formal politeness and courtesy in behavior or speech. The American Bar Association defines it as “a behavioral code of decency or respect that is a hallmark of living as citizens in the same state”. However, neither definition elaborates on the ability to do so. To have that capability means you are not reactionary. You have the ability to stop and think about how to best communicate that is respectful. Your emotions are in check. However, when you are under high amounts of stress, that capability goes right out the window. Especially if you are experiencing PTSD.

The Ability of HR to Respond Incivility

Then you have 98% of HRs who are experiencing burnout. 98% is an astonishing figure. The role has clearly reached a point of unmanageability. Internet and social media have revolutionized recruitment, making it ten times more demanding than simply placing an ad in the classifieds, and its role continues to expand. But it’s not only the volume of responsibilities in HR that keep growing, it’s now compounded with civil unrest. HR is once again tasked with the impossible: to re-engage employees and solve incivility, on top of experiencing total exhaustion themselves. It’s a double whammy in HR and many are, understandably, throwing in the towel.

A 2023 study by Gartner highlighted the role the pandemic may have played in driving up burnout among HR professionals. More than half say they are receiving more requests for support from employees than before the health crisis; nearly as many say they are struggling to prioritize new tasks.

HR is a field that operates on service principles, much like the role of a caretaker. Caregiver burnout is a state of physical, emotional and mental exhaustion that happens while you’re taking care of someone else. These types of roles have a high burnout rate depending on the level of the individual to set good boundaries and prioritize their own well-being.

HR should be a place of confidential support, an advocate for the people side of the workforce. Employees need that support in the workplace to even out the power dynamics between the role of manager and subordinate. However, when you’re burned out, empathy can be hard to reach. This underlying stress may be impeding the ability of HR to play the role the employee so desperately needs.

When you find an employer that is genuinely invested in your well-being and wants to help you enjoy your life, you’ve struck gold. Especially now when we so desperately need it. But that’s rare for employees and those working in HR.

Attitudes towards work have changed. In times of high stress, our priorities have shifted. Trauma has a way of magnifying what’s important in our lives. We want to enjoy the time we have left here with the people that are still here. Authentic relationships and genuine care are more valuable these days as we deal with the loss of what’s happening around us.

Nearly one in five US adults live with a mental illness¹. In 2022, more than one-third of claims filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) included disability-related claims. Of those claims, nearly 30% were based on alleged discrimination based on mental health conditions. This shows employers are skeptical of these claims despite powerful evidence of the increase in mental health issues since the pandemic.

Employees are looking for a good lifestyle at work that supports their life at home. For some, it’s important that they get to work from anywhere so they can travel. For others, taking care of their kids when needs unexpectedly arise is priceless. I choose employers that offer flexible and remote work to care for myself at home. That’s a perk not suited for everyone, however. My partner prefers to go onsite, but his employer allows him to pick his hours and take off every so often for an impromptu ski day. He can enjoy his life and meet the needs of the role.

HR leaders should empower their managers to find the best support for each team member. The popularity of employee assistance programs has grown but are not solving the problem. It’s less about the one-size fits all benefit or perk and more about the employer meeting the employee where their needs are.

The most common advice in corporate America is never go to HR. I learned my lesson when psychological safety was becoming a problem on our team in a past role. Mental health issues rose with an onslaught of our team requesting short term disability or other forms of leave. HR was understanding initially, empathic even. I was glad I spoke up for the health of myself and my team until my managers retaliated and changed the narrative. I ended up on a performance improvement plan (PIP) no less than 2 weeks after being awarded the highest performer on the team. I was so disheartened by the ethical nature of their actions that I had to leave the company. Never go to HR, they say. Hopefully that doesn’t represent the majority but, word on the street and in my experience, it does.

I’ve also worked with employers who have shared troubling stories of employees who exploit the system for personal gain. It’s challenging to have empathy for a group you don’t trust. When you’re burned out, your level of tolerance is shorter, especially if you’ve been in the field for a long time. Throwing another perk at the problem is much easier than facing that you have lost the genuine care you have for employees.

That’s why solving burnout and issues with civility and employee engagement needs a multi-layered approach. It starts with questioning our own ability to care for employees. Then, focusing on individual needs to support employee’s well-being and giving our leaders the tools to cultivate good communication and relationships.

In Lencioni’s, Overcoming the 5 Dysfunctions of a Team, psychological safety is the foundation of dysfunctional teams. HR should be focused on empowering their leaders to develop healthy team dynamics and build stronger relationships. From the HR seat, you can give your managers a series of tools and offer support.

“SHRM says, only 25% of U.S. workers believe their managers are effective at handling incivility.”

Unfortunately, the cure for civility issues in the workplace is no easy feat. When the solution depends on supporting the health and well-being of the workforce and cultivating authentic human relationships in a transactional situation, the odds are stacked against you.

One place to start is with psychological safety and cultivating an environment of care for the person sitting on the other side of the table. With so much inner turmoil, most of us are trying to fake it and losing the battle. To really engage employees, you have to be (professionally) real, ethical, and compassionate. We need the support of each other, but we’re acting more like we are at war in the workplace.

Civility and employee engagement starts with a great relationship between employee and employer. The best thing you can do to combat civility issues is to first understand how capable you are of tackling the problem in terms of your own burnout, and then provide the tools for your leadership team to have better communication and build stronger relationships.

It’s never about the work; it’s always about the people. This means the solution lies in taking care of each other, listening to each other’s needs, and using tools to help communicate and understand one another. This isn’t something you can fake. When we are willing to look at our own shortcomings, it helps us build empathy for what others have to do to change.

Make work a refuge from the surrounding chaos by focusing on cultivating an ethical and safe place to work. Being the type of workplace that wants to take care of your people and finding out how far you are from that goal is one of the most important things you can do to combat civility.

1. National Institute of Mental Health. (January 2022). Mental Illness. ↩︎