Dear Ellie, I Have a Toxic Manager

Dear Ellie,

I’m struggling with a manager whose behavior toward me feels increasingly toxic.

She often comes to my office to vent, but the conversations quickly turn accusatory — suggesting I’m withholding information or not supporting her. Recently, she confronted me publicly in front of her team and then followed me into my office to continue. I’ve raised concerns to leadership, but while they acknowledge the behavior, little has changed. Her supervisor has even admitted he feels intimidated by her.

What makes this difficult is that her behavior seems unpredictable. I’ve heard her make negative comments about other leaders and the organization to her team. I want to support her, but I now feel anxious even delivering routine updates because I’m worried about her reaction.

How do I protect my own professionalism and well-being when leadership recognizes the issue but hesitates to intervene?

– Walking on Eggshells

You are not walking on eggshells. You are walking through a minefield, and the people who are supposed to be sweeping for explosives are hiding in the bunker.

Let me be clear: Following you into your office after publicly berating you is not venting. It is workplace bullying and intimidation. Your letter says, “I want to support her.” I need you to drop that goal immediately. This person is weaponizing your empathy against you. You cannot coach or support someone who is actively creating a psychologically unsafe workplace.

When leadership abdicates its responsibility, HR often steps in to try and fix the broken dynamic. But you cannot out-HR weak leadership. If her boss refuses to manage her, it is not your responsibility to manage her on his behalf. You can only manage your boundaries.

Let’s work on creating an ironclad boundary system.

1. The Physical Boundary

The days of her cornering you in your office are over. You must disrupt the physical dynamic of her intimidation.

 

The Action:

The second she enters your office and the tone turns accusatory, stand up. Standing changes the power dynamic and signals the meeting is over.

 

The Script:

“I can see you are frustrated, but I will not be spoken to in this tone. We can resume this conversation when it is professional.”

 

The Exit:

If she does not leave, you leave. Walk out of your office and go to a public space (such as the break room or a colleague’s desk). It’s not likely she would follow you and continue yelling in front of an audience — but should she, that’s a Code of Conduct write-up opportunity.

2. No Solo Meetings

Because she is unpredictable and accusatory, you can no longer meet with her one-on-one.

 

Deliver routine updates via email.

If she replies demanding a meeting, respond with: “Happy to discuss. I’ve copied [Her Supervisor] on this thread so we can find a time for the three of us to connect.” If she ambushes you in the hallway, consider responding with: “I’m in the middle of something right now. Please send me an email with your concerns so I can review them properly.” Force everything into writing.

3. Reframing for Leadership

Leadership is ignoring this because they view it as an interpersonal conflict between the two of you — one they are scared to be on the receiving end of themselves. You need to reframe it as a massive organizational liability. Dysfunctional teams lead to higher turnover.

 

Go to her supervisor and say:

“I need to formally report that [Manager] is actively badmouthing executive leadership to her direct reports. This is insubordination, it is destroying team morale, and it is a retention risk. Furthermore, her aggressive behavior toward me creates a hostile work environment. What is your timeline for addressing this performance issue?” Put the monkey firmly back on his back. Document the conversation.

And Now, a Word from HR… to HR

I’ve been very action-oriented in my response, Walking. But please know that this comes from seeing the inappropriate behavior through a third-party lens. Sometimes it’s harder to see just how bad something is when we are in the thick of it.

These boundaries might feel uncomfortable to establish, or they might feel empowering. But I want you to pay very close attention to how leadership responds when you set them. When you stop acting as the company’s shock absorber, the impact of her toxic behavior is going to hit the executive team directly. If they finally step up and manage her out, great.

If they continue to let her terrorize the office because she hits her numbers — or because they are cowards — you have a much bigger problem than one toxic manager. You have a toxic culture endorsed from the top down. Protect your peace first, and if they won’t protect you, it might be time to start polishing your resume. You deserve to feel safe at work.

Stay resilient,

Ellie

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Elizabeth “Ellie” Tancreti is a seasoned HR consultant (and former Senior Recruiter, Onboarding/People and Culture Specialist) who’s faced the same challenges—and helps professionals like you get unstuck.

Bring your questions—on burnout, alignment, career pivots, leadership challenges, building culture, or any thorny questions keeping you up at night. Ask your question and get Ellie’s advice.

The information contained in this site is provided for informational purposes only, and should not be construed as legal advice on any subject.