Microsoft CEO, Satya Nadella, defused his toxic culture at Microsoft by purchasing a copy of Nonviolent Communication for his senior leadership team. With this move, he transformed Microsoft’s culture of “hostility, infighting, and backstabbing” among his top executives.

Focusing on communication is one of the most underutilized tools for managers navigating civility issues today. Nonviolent communication (NVC) has been used worldwide in international conflicts, political arenas, workplaces, homes, and schools. It’s a method of communication developed to diffuse each other’s triggers and optimize your success in reaching a mutual understanding.

The philosophy is based on the idea of walking in someone else’s shoes. The intention is to understand what the other person is needing from a situation instead of making evaluations or judgments of them. An example of an evaluation or judgment is, “My boss is just cheap; he won’t hire more people.” Cheap is your judgment or evaluation.

We all have done this. We judge other people without understanding where they are coming from. It takes more effort to identify each other’s needs, but once it’s in our awareness, it’s easier for us to develop naturally into a nonviolent way of thinking.

When you understand why your boss is making that decision, with the assumption that he is coming from the best of intentions, you set the stage for a nonviolent interaction. The nonviolent part of this equation is that we assume everyone is coming with the best of intentions. Is it any wonder why incivility is on the rise at the same time as a major presidential election?

Research suggests there is a correlation between incivility and distrust. America is on one side or the other, and it’s evenly split, at least according to the recent polls.  We don’t believe the other person has the best of intentions in our country right now.

When you are genuinely concerned for the other person’s well-being, it is less about trying to remember the formula. It is based on the notion that we are all trying to get some need met. We humanize the other person. When you approach someone by trying to understand what they need, as opposed to judging them, there is a smaller chance of provoking a hostile response. No judgment. No war starts.

Early in my career, I was a marketing director opening three restaurants and working day and night. When the staff didn’t meet expectations, there was a poor response from our leadership team. They fired off questions at the staff like, “Did you guys even study the menu? What happened out there?!” The staff was lined up like soldiers, in front of the bar, waiting to get shot on the battlefield. I didn’t realize that our business was struggling because of this poor communication. The team wasn’t focused on what the staff was needing, only blaming them for being lazy because they weren’t meeting our needs. That’s enough to cause a lot of conflict and employee disengagement.

How different would it have been if the leadership team had taken a nonviolent approach and said something like, “I noticed a lot of the customers seemed confused about what we offer on the menu, and that makes us nervous. Would you guys be able to go through more training and memorize the dishes?”

Dr. Rosenberg behind Nonviolent Communication, says “words are windows or they’re walls.” When you listen to where the other person is coming from and the need behind their actions, you humanize them, and it’s easier to solve conflicts that arise.

NVC says no one can make you feel anything. Your emotions are part of your own experience. In this model, we take responsibility for our own actions, thoughts, and behaviors. We speak from our own experience and do not blame others for feeling the way we do. The phrase “makes one feel” as in “you make me feel guilty” is another example of how language facilitates denial of personal responsibility for our own feelings and thoughts. Identifying and speaking to what we need, from those feelings, is difficult for a lot of us, but is a critical component of the success of NVC. It takes courage.

What makes this process second nature is focusing on your motive. When the intention is genuine, it’s easier to apply the formula. We are human beings and thrive off genuine connection with one another. That’s why there is no code to crack in employee engagement. There’s no perk that can solve it. You have to be genuine in your thoughts, behaviors, and actions. Maybe you honestly don’t feel compassion for other people, but using this style of communication can get you what you want is worthy to cultivate for the success of your business.

In Jerusalem, a workshop gathering of Israelis of varying political persuasions, used NVC to express themselves in a highly contested issue about the West Bank. After Dr. Rosenburg modeled NVC and empathic hearing, the two sides took turns role playing the other’s position and finally came to an agreement. When researching Nonviolent Communication, you will see countless organizations that have applied this method across the globe because it works.

Dr. Rosenberg calls “life-alienating communication” common in hierarchical or domination societies. It’s where our immediate evaluations and judgments come from. The language of wrongness, like using phrases of should, and have to, is perfect for a slavelike society. Kings and czars created our language of identifying wrongness to teach people to seek external authorities for the definition of right, wrong, good, or bad.

This is often seen in a manager and subordinate relationship and is challenging for some to navigate. You should have done this. You have to do this. Why? Because I said so. Our power dynamics are supported by the language we use. These dynamics can easily result in a poor culture that operates out of fear and not empowerment. You want to develop your people so they can execute themselves, not do it yourself.

Our focus on communication often revolves around blaming others for their behavior or blaming ourselves for not understanding or responding as expected. Blaming is like the cap to the grenade. That’s when things get uncivil. The NVC approach dismantles blame, putting people in touch with what they feel and what they need.

Let’s See This in Action:

“My boss is impulsive and controlling.”

Impulsive and controlling are judgment words that cause further separation and a high likelihood of resistance from the other party. Remember, the foundation for this model is based on taking responsibility for your own thoughts, behaviors, and actions. For example, if I’m calling my boss impulsive and controlling, it’s because I know I really need stability in the calendar to achieve operational success.

We need to be aware and willing to speak up for our needs so that we don’t cause unnecessary conflict. The best part is, with NVC, there is a high probability that our needs will be met as they now have a higher likelihood of being understood by the other side.

1. I observe
2. I feel
3. I need
4. I request

The model almost feels like it belongs in an elementary school classroom, but when you view the examples, it comes out more naturally and doesn’t have to be rigid.

The challenge in this, is that you have to say what you need and take responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, and actions. That takes courage. It’s easier to compare ourselves behind closed doors and build secret alliances at work through gossip.

Here’s another real-life scenario of an HR manager worried about potential compliance issues when her boss takes home paperwork from payroll.

HR Manager Using NVC:

“When I see payroll paperwork printed out and taken out of the office, I feel nervous because the confidential information could put the company at risk. Would you be willing to take a shredder home or use digital files so we stay compliant?”

Compare saying these phrases to “You’re just controlling and disorganized.” Even if you said, “You’re controlling and when I see paperwork taken out of the office…” It’s all over after the first two words: “you’re controlling.” The war has already begun.

NVC goes against our natural way of speaking to one another and so it requires conscious effort from your leaders. Hence, Microsoft Nadella’s decision to provide a physical copy of the 15-year-old book to his leadership team.

Start practicing NVC in all areas of your life where conflict is occurring. Modeling it for others is one of the best ways to influence from the HR seat. Attraction is always better than promotion, but offering the book to your CEO to distribute through their leadership team isn’t a bad approach, either.

As you practice with people at home, you’ll feel more comfortable trying it at work. Stick a NVC note to your computer to remind yourself of some of the key principles. Awareness is always 90% of doing personal work.

Seek to understand the other side.

Resistance, defensiveness and violent reactions are minimized when we don’t diagnose or judge.

We are responsible for articulating what we observe, feel, and need so it doesn’t turn into a thorn at work.

Start from a place of compassion and empathy, believing that others have the best intentions, which connect us to our own humanness. Having the right intention makes this process a breeze.

Take responsibility for expressing our needs and hearing others.

This is relationships. Communicating how we feel and what we want. We are human beings. Some use NVC with their personal relationships, at work, or in the political arena. Use it where you have conflict. Model it for attraction rather than promotion. HR is in an influential position to be a leader in civility and it starts with modeling the right behaviors, then providing this tool for their managers to create great relationships on their teams.